I know whom I kissed
by AAB
Summary: Harm has a difficult time after finding out about Diana's killer


_Disclaimer: Not mine, Bellisario's_

**I know whom I kissed  
**_set shortly after Skeleton Crew  
_

_Friday evening  
Mac's apartment  
_She had invited him for dinner, hoping to get him to talk. Eight days had passed since officer Holbarth's death. Eight days since Harm had set out to, determined to kill the murderer of his girlfriend. Eight days since she and Bud had been able to prevent him from ruining his own life in the process. Eight days full of questions, full of investigations, full of suspicions, even though there were three witnesses. But the discovery of Holbarth's diary in which he did not confess but expressed his deep regrets about 'what had happened' had concluded the case and that morning Harm, Mac and Bud had received message that the case was closed and ruled as an accident.  
Afterwards Mac had invited Harm for dinner, which he accepted. He didn't look good; dark circles were under his eyes and his shoulders slumped.  
They ate in silence. Then Mac brought the half empty bowls to the kitchen. As always her appetite had been excellent. Which could not be said about his. Harm had more played with his food than eaten it. When she was done rinsing and putting the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, she made coffee. Placing the mug in front of him she decided to ask the million dollar question.  
"How do you feel?"  
He sat slumped in his chair, hardly looking up.  
"It's so co…"  
"Complicated," Mac completed. She felt a sting of disappointment. The normal guy-excuse. It seemed nothing had changed. Still dodging personal questions. But to her surprise it wasn't what Harm had in mind,  
"That too, but I wanted to say confusing. You know … I dream about her." He didn't have do explain whom he meant. "A lot lately. During the past years I dreamed about her sometimes. A lot in the first weeks after the mur... her death, then she appeared once in a while. Just like other people you have known."  
Mac nodded.  
"But these past weeks I dream about her almost every night. Nothing erotic," he quickly added. "Most of the time about what happened! She reaches out for me, begs me for help. To save her. I can feel her nervousness, her fear. But I'm too late, always too late!"  
He swallowed a few times and grabbed his mug of coffee like it was a lifesaver.  
"When Diana was killed at first I was fully focused on finding her murderer. Then it turned out I was the main suspect. So I had to concentrate on clearing my name as well. And after that … you know the murderer was never found. After a while there was another case to solve and another and another … I never had the time … took the time," he corrected "to mourn properly, I think." He blew out a breath, slumping back in his chair. Mac waited, giving him all the time he needed.  
After a while he continued "now there is … closure, kind off, I guess. I know who the killer is. But it seems like it's all coming back full force." He swallowed once more. "At night she is still alive and in the morning I know she is dead again. And then I come to work and …"  
"You see me," Mac whispered. "Her spitting image."  
He nodded mutely. She leaned in and took his hand. "Shall I ask the Admiral for a TAD? Would that make it easier for you?"  
Harm's head shot up. "No!" he said forcefully.  
"You're sure?"  
"Yes. I don't know why. But I … I need you to be here."  
Mac nodded. Looking at his brimming eyes and the dark circles beneath she made up her mind to talk to their CO the next Monday to ask him not to send her on a TAD if he could prevent it.  
Harm started to talk again and she redirected her focus to him once more. "Diana and I used to write. Often. Her roommate on board told me those letters meant a lot to her and that she kept them all in a special box. Officer Turque gave them back to me after Diana's death. I kept her letters as well; she was very good in describing things. I could see the ship and the ports they visited through her eyes. Yesterday I reread them … and mine." He felt silent again.  
"I told you our date that evening was meant to decide whether we would try to bring our relation to the next level. We never had time for that. We met on the academy so the fraternity rule kicked in. After that we were always on different places. Even though we kept in touch … It just didn't happen." He grabbed his mug, only to find it empty. Without a word Mac took it out of his hand and went to the kitchen to make a refill. When she returned he was ready to go on.  
"I did love her. But not enough. Not in the right way to start a relationship. We were very close but more like … not brother and sister but cousins. Like the cousin you spent your youth with, sharing experiences, going into mischief together. Knowing each others little secrets. Familiar. But the spark missed. There was no enough chemistry." He rubbed his eyes and took a sip of his coffee.  
"What kind of woman was she?" Mac asked softly.  
"Judged by appearance you and she looked the same. Like identical twins. But her character was different." He looked her in the eyes. "When I say she was more this or more that than you it's a comparison, _not_ a judgement. Okay?" Mac nodded.  
"She was quiet. Observing. You both have a great sense of humour but yours is more 'verbal', I guess. Diana could see the silly things in everyday life. As I said, she was an excellent descriptor. When she told a story it was as if you had been there yourself. She was mild. It wasn't that she was afraid to voice her opinion, but many times she didn't judge it worthwhile to disagree, let alone to pick a fight. You are much feistier, ready to the challenge. She would agree to disagree. Even though the two of you looked … I would know you apart in an instant. The way you walk, talk, look. The timbre of your voices. Your scent." He blushed slightly.  
Again he swallowed willing back the tears and failing. "I miss her."  
Mac had trouble keeping herself from crying. Silently she rose, sat on the elbow-rest of his chair and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. With a strangled noise he buried his head against her shoulder. 

That Monday before Mac could request a meeting with the Admiral she was summoned to his office. Waving her a chair he wasted no time in asking her what was going on with Harm.  
Mac started, careful to leave out the part of Harm's intention to kill the murderer of his friend. "Sir, you know about the murder off Harm's friend Diana Schonke almost three years ago. Harm himself was a suspect in that case. And he hasn't been able to let go of the case since. A few weeks ago he went through her letters again. Her roommate officer Turque had given them to Harm. He found a letter in which she told officer Holbarth she would report him for not following up to her complaint of harassment and he finally figured out who the real murderer must have been. Officer Holbarth's ship was due to come in and Harm went to confront him. Bud and I followed him, as back-up. However, because I was soaking wet by the rain Bud lent me one of Harriet's uniforms. When we reached the dock Harm was already with Holbarth. We approached and Holbarth saw us coming. As you might know, Diana and I look very much alike; in fact, we could have been identical twins. He was frightened to death, thinking I was Diana's ghost and shrunk back, ending up in the water between dock and ship. He was crushed to death in an instant. Nobody touched him; it was an accident."  
The Admiral nodded. He already knew this part.  
"Last night Harm opened up to me."  
This made the Admiral's eyes widened. He knew very well how guarded his senior officer was about his private feelings.  
Mac continued "When Diana was murdered Harm was mostly furious and determined to catch the perpetrator. Next to that he was a suspect himself and had to clear his name. He didn't take the time to grieve. Now that the case is solved it's like he lost Diana all over. He is mourning, sleeping poorly and dreaming a lot about her."  
The Admiral nodded pensively. "And has to deal with seeing her 'twin' each day. Would it be easier when I send you on a TAD? There is one coming up in Newport. I thought about sending …"  
Mac shook her head. "I asked him the same question, Sir. But he didn't want me to go away."  
"Right. Well, I won't say I can spare you completely but for now I will keep this in mind when I assign cases." 

_Four weeks later  
Sunday morning  
Park  
_After their usual running session they had gone home and freshened up, to meet an hour later in their favourite breakfast café. A cheese bagel for him and doughnuts for her. And as usual he had wrinkled his nose and mockingly pretended to count calories and amount of sugar. She only chuckled and stuck out her tongue at him. But she was happy. Happy to see the dark smudges under his eyes gone, happy to hear him joke again. The previous weeks had been hard on him but now he seemed more or less back to his old self. She had tried to support him in every way she could think of, cooking him a meal, bringing him coffee, a hand on his shoulder and an extra hug when he came of left. Luckily no out of town investigation or TAD had come up. The Admiral had done well.  
After breakfast Harm suggested a walk in the park. The weather was beautiful and lots of people strolled the pathways, joggers ran, kids ware playing, chasing balls and throwing Frisbees.  
Suddenly he grabbed her pulled her aside, to prevent her from being hit by a skateboarder passing by fast. He didn't release her though, casually keeping his arm wrapped around her shoulder while they walked on. After a few moments she equally casually slid her arm around his waist and anchored her thumb in the loop of his jeans.  
Now she found the courage to ask "how are you feeling?"  
With delight he sucked in the fresh air.  
"Better. I sleep better and I have my appetite back."  
Mac nodded. She had noticed he looked a lot better.  
"I had that … weird is the best way to describe it, I guess, weird dream the other night. You remember I told you I dreamt about Diana a lot. Bad dreams, dreams in which I couldn't save her."  
Again Mac nodded.  
"Over the past weeks those dreams slowly changed into dreams about her and me, about things she said, the things we did together. But last Wednesday … it was … different. We were in a coffee house. It was a place we used to go when we were at the academy. She was … different. Like she was there and at the same time wasn't. We talked and laughed till it was time to leave. She left before me and on the threshold she turned to me once more. She stood there, smiling, looking at me. She had a special way of waving, a way of wiggling her fingers. She blew me a kiss. She never did that." He frowned. "And then she faded. She didn't leave, she faded. I haven't dreamt about her after that." He took a ragged breath, willing the tears back. He was not going to cry in public.  
"It's like she said goodbye. Goodbye and wishing me well." He went silent, his throat too tight to utter another word.  
"Maybe she did," Mac said softly. "Maybe she did say you goodbye and told you it's time to move on."  
He pulled her closer and they walked in silence. Mac didn't want to disrupt his thoughts. It was almost a quarter of a hour later when he heaved a sigh.  
"Yeah, I guess she did."  
He looked at Mac with a faint smile. "Care for an ice cream?"  
Realizing he needed some space Mac agreed eagerly. Licking their cones Harm suddenly asked. "Can I ask you a question?"  
"Of course," Mac answered, a bit surprised.  
"When we talked, four weeks ago, you looked annoyed when you thought I was going to say it was complicated."  
Mac nodded.  
"Why do women hate it so much when we men use the word 'complicated'?"  
"Because so many times men just leave it to that. Not going to tell more. Not wanting to explain. Dismissing the matter in a few words. It's used to shut out the other person. And it has a hint of degradation. It's complicated so you won't be able to understand. Don't break your pretty little head about it!" Mac felt herself grow angry under her own tirade. She took a deep breath to calm down. "When a woman says 'it's complicated' it's more of a warning. Like, brace yourself, this is going to be a long story with lots of twists and turns."  
"So it's ok to say something is complicated as long as you follow up. Give a reason, give some explanation."  
"Yes. Because sometimes things are just that, complicated."  
"But…" It seemed Harm had bitten himself into the matter. "But sometimes a guy just needs to figure it out. Think about it, you know. Haven't reached a conclusion yet."  
"Then say so. Tell me you are still mulling about it! I can live with giving you your space; I can't live with being brushed aside." She blushed realizing how she sounded. Like they had the relation she always had wanted, a relation going way beyond friendship. She just hoped he hadn't noticed. Being friends with Harm was the best thing even happened to her and she didn't want to jeopardize that by expressing feelings that might not be mutual.  
Harm swallowed the last part of his cone. They were standing in a relatively quiet spot in the park now and he took her shoulders to turn her towards him. She felt anxious, sensing what he was going to say next would affect both their lives.  
"By the way, remember I told you I would know you apart? Diana and you. By how you move, talk, smell? I knew whom I was kissing. It might have been a farewell to Diana but I knew I was kissing you."  
Her breath hitched. His eyes seemed to suck her in. It was like they were in their private air bubble. Slowly he leaned in. She didn't move. His breath fanned her face when she looked up to him. Then his lips were on hers, soft, exploring. He pulled back en she released a shivering breath.  
"I might need some more time."  
She placed her hand against his cheek. "That's ok."  
He started to walk again and she fell in step with him, looping her arm through his. "It's ok," she repeated, knowing it was. 

The end


End file.
